Podcast

paula’s story

Routine, what a scary word that was for me. I always thought it sets this expectation of perfection, like the Von Trap family, all singing in one line at the blow of a whistle kind of expectation. Before my kids were born, I thought that putting your kids on a routine or giving them a routine not only meant we were all in the Sound of Music, but you had to sort of "train" them to abide by the routine, and that was extra work that I wasn't prepared to undertake. When Maya was born, I just rolled with the punches and winged most of it. I did what came naturally to me because I believed at that age, you couldn’t really spoil a newborn, and she needed me then more than ever to adjust and adapt to this new ecosystem she was now living in. But around six months, as she was getting more independent, eating solid foods, and sleeping in her crib, we decided that a straightforward set routine would benefit both her and me. For her, with sleep training comes routine by definition, and for me, I could plan activities ahead of time, knowing the times she would be napping. Also, with routine comes predictability, and I felt like I was starting to get to know my daughters more and more; for example, at this time, they get fussy because it's almost lunch, at this time, they get sleepy because it's almost nap time, etc... I did the same thing for both my daughters until I started to sleep train them; they were on a free-for-all-eat, sleep-when-you-like type of life, and then that scary word Routine wasn't so frightening anymore.

Joined by Vanessa, mom of two and Melissa, mom of four, I vividly remember being in this very room, on the phone with Vanessa, talking about this subject and having had her girls before me, she explained to me how routine is the best thing ever, not only for the kids but for me so I could plan my time accordingly and do things that I needed or wanted to do other than taking care of my baby. She was right that the benefits outweighed the work it takes to implement the routine and that I would feel the fruits of my labour in an impactful way.

alix’s story

Alix begins by saying that she is learning how routine can work and benefit some brains, such as hers, but it can also be challenging and stressful for other parents, families, and children. She also says that by creating a routine for our kids, we are asking them to abide by it and, therefore, to obey the schedule we have set out for them. Granted, Alix’s kids are much older than mine, so her perspective on the matter is a little different; as she mentions, routine changes as kids get older.

“i want my kids not to just blindly obey me…”

She gives the example of what happened in her home that same week. Her son, eight years old, came home from camp, and Alix told him to get in the shower. He did not want to get into the shower because that day was not a shower day, and at that moment, being 4 pm on a non-shower day, Alix arbitrarily decided that he needed to shower. What did she do? She first listened and then heard him, which are two very different things, and then told him that they would have a family meeting where he could be a part of deciding when shower days are. Regardless, he took a shower, but she noticed that resistance is often held back when our kids are involved, feel heard and have more control over their lives. Alix adds that when her kids were younger, infants, and part of toddlerhood, routines were mainly parent-led, but as they get older, it becomes more of a family routine, and the shift can be difficult, as she has experienced.

Alix shares that she thinks routine is imperative, but it’s also essential to be flexible, and when speaking about mental health and keeping it intact, flexibility is the key.

“we are currently working on meal time…we cannot eat as a family for dinner…”

As the conversation of routine moves forward, Alix expresses that one of the current struggles she is personally going through is meal time and how it’s impossible for herself, her husband and her three kids to eat at once as a family. One reason is that her husband comes home later from work, so the kids eat first, and then Alix and her husband eat after. This translates into Alix having to do two dinner services, cook two different meals, and clean up twice, which doubles the work and reduces the family interaction as a whole. As a result, for routine purposes, Alix decides to sit down and eat with her kids at their dinner time instead of being up preparing the second meal.

vanessa’s story

From the beginning, Vanessa shares with us that she has lots to say on the subject and seems quite passionate about sharing her experiences on routine. She starts by explaining that although I felt that routine was scary to me, she felt a sense of comfort knowing that what was then chaos would turn into a sense of expectation. Vanessa shares that routine is meant to be a guideline, and there needs to be some flexibility because if things go sideways, you’re not completely thrown off. This is not something that she knew from the get-go; this is something that she learned. In fact, she adds that she held on to routine so tightly because of the confidence it gave her that it made her unflexible, to the point where they would forgo fun activities because it would deviate from routine.

“that’s when i knew i was held hostage by the routine…”

Vanessa adds another reason she felt so attached to the routine was the repercussions that may or may not happen if it’s not respected. For example, if her child does not nap at her given time, she will be cranky, won’t eat dinner, won’t want to go to sleep, and will be a challenging evening for the whole family, but especially her because let’s face it, most of the aftermath will fall on her. Vanessa thinks that as much as her kids sometimes fight the routine or don’t want to do a part of the routine, it gives them a sense of security and sets expectations for what the day will look like for them, which in transit makes them feel secure.

“sometimes you think if you deviate from routine, they will always want that…”

Alix mentioned that she owns the routine in her home, and I agreed. On the other hand, Vanessa explains that her husband, Chris, is quite routine-oriented but a lot more level-headed than she is. He will be flexible and make decisions on whether or not they make sense, whereas Vanessa explains that her choices are more fearful based on what might happen if the routine is not respected.

moral of the story: Routine and flexibility change and grow with your kids.