Podcast

paula’s story

I had just birthed Maya. We had completed our hospital-time quota and put this little creature in what seemed to be this huge car seat, strapped her up and took her home.

When we brought her home for the first time, first baby, first everything, I vividly remember sitting on my couch with her in my arms and telling my mom I needed a minute. I just started to cry. Uncontrollable waterworks, feeling as though my entire body was a tall glass of water slowly tipping over and my tears the water spilling out of it. My mom asked me why I was crying, and my answer was that I just loved her so much. The overwhelming love going through my body then was so foreign that I didn't know how to deal with it. It was the very first time I truly felt unconditional love. I guess it scared me a bit because I knew I would do ANYTHING for her at that moment and that I was no longer my priority. She is. It's one thing to be responsible for yourself, but now I was responsible for this little girl I created and only wanted the best for her. I never wanted her to feel pain or discomfort; I wanted to feel all those things for her so she could be happy. I wish someone prepared me for all these feelings that I was having because I genuinely thought I was going into a depression. I thought this was what postpartum looks like. My mom looked at me and said, you're a mother now. Umm, is this what it will feel like all the time? Rewind, please... the moment passed as everything always does, and I wiped my tears, but she was right, I'm a mother now, a new person. Maya changed me in every way possible, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Vanessa’s story

Much like myself, Vanessa says she did a lot of crying, but not for the same reason. When she brought her first daughter, Emma, home for the first time, Vanessa remembers asking her husband, Chris, “What did we do?” She had felt like they had made a big mistake in bringing a child into their life which was just right the way it was. She explains that the feelings overwhelming her body at that moment were loneliness and inadequacy because of how she felt about the mistake she thought she had made. These sentiments lingered for about a month, and in that time, she experienced bonding challenges with Emma, which then gently passed but are still visible wounds in her heart.

“i was wondering, when am i going to feel the love, that unconditional love?…”

Vanessa didn’t know intuitively what to do with Emma; the child felt so foreign to her, leading to her thinking that she wasn’t meant to be a mother because all the instincts she expected to kick in weren’t kicking in for her. Thankfully the second time around, with Alice, Vanessa felt it all as I described with Maya. She wondered that maybe it had something to do with how Emma came into the world, as she admits to her labour being traumatic.

“this is the feeling that they were saying i would feel…”

Vanessa bravely shares how difficult it was to vocalize her feelings when she brought her firstborn home. She confesses that she entered motherhood as a next step after getting married, “as people do,” but that she didn’t immediately feel “as mothers feel.” Although her expectations went slightly sideways in her journey, Vanessa and Chris are raising two happy, healthy and very loved girls. As Vanessa’s mom says: “Everything passes.”

Bianca’s story

On the contrary, Bianca’s bringing home baby experience started on a high note. She explains that because she was utterly incapacitated and on bed rest for about seven months during her pregnancy, she had time to cry and process her emotions as a mother-to-be and a professional. When she brought her first son home, instead of experiencing the baby blues, she went through, what she calls, a baby high.

“i felt like i was on drugs…”

Bianca shares how amazing she felt and how talkative she got, so she called her family members and started “over-sharing” on the telephone. Suddenly, she needed to move as movement felt so good to her at that moment. She remembers going in the shower and practically doing yoga, feeling as if her spine was getting longer and longer as if she got a physical release after pregnancy. Then she got really cold, she went to bed, put the covers over her head, curled up into a little ball, and became her son as a fetus. Wait! That’s not all! Bianca then goes on by saying that she felt as if she was her son going doing her birth canal and reliving her son’s birth! BOOM, Mind Blown!

“it was THERAPEUTIC, and it fixed something inside of me…”

Bianca confesses that this “outer-body” experience felt therapeutic and fixed something she didn’t know needed healing. It set the tone for the rest of her motherhood journey. Unfortunately, this was a one-time thing as she didn’t go through this with her second son but didn’t feel disappointed when it didn’t come…like an orgasmic birth. Bianca finishes by adding that she would always be afraid that someone would kidnap her son. She would wake up at night and check on him to ensure he was still in his crib. These thoughts never stopped her from going outside or doing activities, but they continued to be just that, thoughts.

alix’s story

Alix says her hormones were slightly more balanced than Bianca’s, and she didn’t want to leave the hospital because it felt clean and safe. She remembers being acutely aware of cleanliness and hiring professional cleaners to ensure the house was pristine for when her baby came home. She also admits to having hyper-focused opinions on car seats and how putting her firstborn in the car had made her a little nervous. In the past, the culture was that parents, family, and friends would come and visit the new family, and she knew that this was not an idea she wanted to entertain. However, when Alix’s first child was born, people wanted to visit, and people got mad when she declined their imposition. Alix remembers this piece being very present when she thought of bringing her firstborn home.

“i REMEMBER feeling quite balanced…”

Not to say that there weren’t hard moments. Alix explains that she never knew the word “overstimulated” before becoming a parent and didn’t know to identify those challenging moments as overstimulation. The crying, the noise, and the touch were extremely triggering things for her because they were loud and constant. Not only was it impossible for her to communicate to her husband what she was feeling, but there wasn’t a conversation about it to relate to.

“i didn’t have that language; TOUCHED out wasn’t a thing then…”

Alix finishes by noticing the differences and evolution parenting has taken since she had her first eight years ago and wishes she had the language and knowledge she has now to communicate better how she was feeling. Now, she says that if she heard a baby cry, it wouldn’t spark anything at all. Let’s say she has had to do threefold.

moral of the story: everything is a phase, the good and the bad.